I'm still here

Still doing my thing here in Austin. Just got back from visiting family for Christmas. I've been crashing a lot post meals, so I think I'm going to get a full physical and have a diabetes check. I don't think I have it, but it's in my family so I always have to be sure.

Sugar is definitely my downfall and most of my sliders seem to be sugar related.

I think I just pushed myself too hard this Christmas (I know Alex thought so) but I had all these projects (for fun) and just really wanted to make my cards and do all these cookie shipments, etc. It was fun. That kind of fun Christmas project really keeps me going.

Alex has been talking a lot about being unhappy weight-wise and wanting to get back in gear. I told him I needed to wait until after Christmas and now that time has come.

I've been eating crappy food and have gained weight working from home this year and not having that walk to and from work anymore. I think I've gained back 30 of the 40 pounds I lost. The worst is having to buy bigger clothes. I resisted but had to give in just to have something to wear!

I've been giving some thought to what foods i crave. And really, big lovely salads, great gourmet soups. I can do that.

There's a pricey but really excellent salad place downstairs from our apartment called Leaf. I think I'm going to take all the money i waste on fast food etc and some grocery money and make Leaf my daily lunch. Then a gourmet soup or chili or something similar for dinner. And toss in some protein shakes.

I've been getting stuck constantly! I think gaining weight back made the band tighter. It'll feel good to be more proactive and since we're trying to get pregnant that can only be a good thing there too!

"Overeating, Like Drug Use, Rewards And Alters Brain"

Very interesting article on food's affect on the brain via NPR.

I definitely recommend reading it, especially for those of you, like me, who struggle with overeating, even with the band.

"Should 'fatties' get a room?"

Have you guys seen this Marie Claire article?

Ridiculous. The writer is repulsed even to see a fat person walk across a room. I'm seriously shocked to even have such a thing published by a major women's magazine.

I'm not going to link directly to Marie Claire. Instead here's Jezebel's take on it.

http://jezebel.com/5673680/what-was-marie-claire-thinking-with-this-fatties-piece

Raw foods dinner party

So the band behaved at the raw foods dinner party last night. I was certainly full full full with all of those veggies however. There's a real emphasis on incorporating protein in a raw foods diet so a lot of the dishes had nuts and were really quite good. My favorite was a really creamy, ground up pumpkin seed garlic dip that was just divine! I'd certainly make that for non-raw friends.

Another favorite was the almond milk, made with just almonds, water, vanilla and agave, a natural sweetener. Not sure what type of vanilla as the processing of things is important. From what I learned not only do raw foodists believe cooked food isn't as good for you, but some people think it's toxic to the body to consume things that aren't living.

Above is what I made, a raw "linguini" with a macadamia tomato sauce. It was actually quite good but time consuming. If I had a mandoline, I think it would have been much faster though. The "pasta" is really softened strands of parsnips and carrots.

Only one person at the dinner party actually eats raw, part-time, but to most of us it was just a very interesting exercise to learn more about the lifestyle and to experiment a bit. I wouldn't go that route diet-wise but I can certainly see the benefit of adding additional, healthier green foods to my diet!

In general, my band has been extremely sensitive lately, but somehow I managed to get through the whole meal without getting stuck.

Off to a Raw Foods Dinner Party

I was invited to a raw "living" foods dinner party. It's been enlightening and fun to research. More soon on what I'm bringing. I am a bit worried about how band friendly it'll be. My recipe is a raw linguine and it has a bunch of raw carrot and parsnips. I dont think I've ever eaten a parsnip before.

Fingers crossed the band behaves!

More on how it goes later...

Life Coach

I went to an interesting event tonight. It was a dinner party but there was a presentation by a member of the group who happens to be a life coach.

I always imagined life coaches to be like cheerleaders creating S.M.A.R.T. plans, but she was clearly more thoughtful and seemed more like a really great therapist with LOTS of good advice.

Not sure what her rate would be, expensive I imagine, but it's something I'll think about. Really, I'd love to get Alex some sessions as he really seems to be at a crossroads in his life with the move and his professional situation etc.

Have any of you ever been to a life coach. I'm curious to hear about other people's experiences.

Tighter Band

So as I've mentioned in recent posts, I've gained a bit of my weight back, and in recent weeks I've been noticing I'm tighter than usual and have more difficulty in eating certain foods and get stuck more often.

I think I recall hearing that weight loss causes a looser band, so does that mean that weight gain has the opposite effect? Hopefully it'll have positive results!

Eating healthier from the farmer's market

After traveling TONS this summer, I finally have a break. Alex and I have agreed to eat more salads and whatnot now that we're both home. He was in LA for a few weeks.

I could use the extra energy from a healthier diet too. It's been a couple of days now and so far so good. I've been viewing it as a creative foodie challenge and bought a lot of things for my salads that i just LOVE, so it's not exactly a hardship since i love salads when they are really good ones.

Above is a photo of my loot from the farmer's market, and I'll end up with salads or veg-based meals with each of those ingredients above.

And the veg really does fill me up faster!

1 year bandiversary ;(

Soooo I've really been dreading doing my 1-year bandiversary post because I haven't been as successful as I hoped.

Last year, I envisioned myself having lost 125 pounds by this point. But given where I am now (12 or so pounds down from my highest), I was completely prepared to do this post and officially declare myself a band failure. On the blogs, we see lots of examples of those who have been successful and I was prepared to put myself out there as an example of those who aren't. Especially for those considering the surgery to see a complete, honest picture of the lap-band experience.

I was thinking of myself as a band failure because I weigh more now than when I had the surgery. (The weight I lost was in the pre-surgery fast). And let me tell you, it feels super crappy to write that. Knowing that, I had been thinking of it as just one more diet i failed at.

I can't say I regret having the surgery. And everything I read and heard in advance about it was right. It's still hard work. The band is not an easy fix. My general practitioner warned me, "you can eat right through this thing." I can now officially say, he was correct.

Maybe the fact that i think of having had the surgery as no big deal is indicative. The band isn't intrusive, and I often forget I have it. Maybe if I'd paid a huge amount of money and sacrificed to have it, things would have been different? Honestly, I'm guessing not.

When I look back on this year, I realize I really only lost in the pre-surgery fast and then in the first 2 months. After that I just went back to my normal eating habits and didn't work at it. The band will NOT do the work for you. At the time, I pointed to all these things that happened in my life as excuses. And while I did have CRAZY upheaval this year, it doesn't matter. I choose to live a life where I encourage change and challenges and am often super busy or traveling, so I can't let that stop me from living a healthy life.

Everyone says it, but it's true. The band isn't a magic pill and it doesn't make it easy. It just reinforced that I really have major food issues and the band has in some ways brought even more to light my disordered eating. Like the fact that it doen't matter that french fries get stuck, I eat them anyway and just suffer through a bit of discomfort. The fact that sometimes I eat and feel crappy (whether physically or mentally) and I eat anyway. Or KEEP eating. The fact that I make poor food choices like sugar and caffeine that I know will make me feel bad in a couple of hours, and every day, I do it anyway.

If anything, since the band, i almost feel more compelled because I have to work harder at getting my fix.

I'm definitely eating liquids and sliders and chips, drinking liquids with meals, and making choices for types of food that will allow me to eat more or just taking a break so i can continue eating in a bit or just not listening to my body and eating anyway when I'm full. What I've learned is how to cheat which is just lame. I can still be "normal" at a business dinner and I can still eat the foods i like. I was so afraid pre-band of being a freak to people who didn't know. So I seem to have proved to myself that I can still eat like before.

If I listen, I'm full, so I haven't gone in for another fill. In that way the band is absolutely, 100% working. But eating literally has nothing to do with being full for me.

So with all of this in my head, I was very touched to read Catherine's comment on my last post. She clearly could tell some of what was in my head and I found it both touching that she would reach out and thought-provoking that I have another option than just saying it didn't work. It's a choice after all right. For whatever reason, I keep making the wrong choice when it comes to food, but I dont have to do that.

I consider myself to be a very competent, successful person. I've had a wonderful, adventurous life so far and have achieved every major thing I've set out to do. I even lost 100 pounds before. Of everything I've done in my life, that was by far my proudest accomplishment. But I gained it back and sort of lost myself after that. And now it's interesting because I feel really happy in my personal and professional lives, but when it comes to my self identity, I'm starting to simply accept myself as middle-aged and overweight. I guess officially declaring the band to not have worked and closing this blog (yes, I thought of that too) would mean giving up on myself.

I'm a bit fed up with all of my declarations and failed follow through. However, i know that every day I have a choice to make. And today, I will choose not to give up on myself.

Weight Gained Tracker

My tracker should just say weight gained. I'm a bit nervous about doing my one-year review. Fast food has not been my friend.

Gains and losses

Last week was my first of 5 trips. 6 if you count Houston.

So I had great intentions in regard to my eating, but I do what i always do when i work 16+ hour days and instead i just ate to get through it. All week I worked like a dog.

Next week marks the beginning of our summer sales meeting, and that means 1 year since the start of my pre-surgery diet. I don't really want to do a bandiversary write up now, but one interesting thing that happened this week was that I saw someone I hadn't seen in about a year, and he was raving about how great i look.

It really took me off guard because although i had lost about 40 pounds, I gained more than half back. So in my mind, I gained weight, but to him, since he hadn't seen me, I'm still lower than i was before and that made me feel good. It was certainly a reminder of how far those compliments go to spur on additional weight loss.

Peru Pics

I just realized that I never shared photos from our trip to Peru. I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for exotic, beautiful, inexpensive travel. We were in Lima / Miraflores on the coast and then Arequipa up in the Andes mountains. We didn't at all miss that we didn't get to go Machu Picchu. The altitude would have really been too much for Alex. Someday though. This was his second trip since his Dad is Peruvian. It was my first visit, and I definitely plan on returning soon!

A few highlights from the trip are below. Or see more on Flickr.

Off to NYC

Tomorrow starts the first of 5 trips i have in the next month. Two to NYC, two to CA and one to El Paso. I have mixed feelings about it, but I do know it'll be lots of work.

Usually I stay in a hotel when i got to NYC for work, but this time I'm staying in our company apartment. I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet, since I haven't stayed there before and it's a shared apt. We'll see!

I've decided to do low sugar next week to see if I can A) not get too crazy eating out since I'll be eating out for all my meals and B) increase my energy level since NYC always takes it out of me. Work will be so busy that I think I just really need all the energy I can get. Plus perhaps this small thing will be the boost I need to get back on track with my eating habits instead of letting travel derail me as it usually does.

I dont think derail is the right word though because i'm pretty much as off track as I could be at the moment.

I need to just make myself only eat when I'm hungry because these days, there is lots and lots of snacking going on in my house!

Still here

Just living life. I'm actually really happy in Austin though Alex is having a hard time. Being back in Texas has lead to weight gain which i guess is part of why I haven't been posting. I don't want to complain or spend time justifying so I just haven't been posting. I kind of knew that the whole car, Texas, fast-food lifestyle would equal pounds added. One of the reasons I was so excited to move to NYC in the first place was to be more active.

But in this moment, I'm just loving being lazy and in other ways, I'm just so much more active and social in Austin since I can get around so much easier with my car. I just need to make better choices wherever I am.

I'll post again in a couple of days and see where my head is food-wise. Right now, I'm enjoying the last day of my 4th of July holiday weekend. We're house-sitting for my sister and it feels like a vacation rental with the pool and big screen tvs and "outdoor kitchen/bbq" and movie marathon. It's been a pretty fab holiday weekend!

Back from Peru

We came back from Peru last week and things have been a bit chaotic. But the trip was awesome. In fact, I'm wondering why we came back?

The trip started off good and bad. The bad, we got bumped because of a volcano in Ecuador and ended up just waiting and waiting for a couple of days as result. The good was that Alex talked them into bumping us up into first class. Yay! That was fun. Above is a photo of just how big the seat belts are in first class. And that's a fancy menu under the seat belt. I've been bumped up a few times but given this was an international flight it was the most plush including a full reclining bed.

I had no trouble with the vegetarian thing but most of our trip we were in a town called Arequipa up in the Andes and I noticed that altitude affects tightness of the band! I definitely got full fast.

In general, with the type of big meals we were having on vacation, the band definitely did it's job. In fact, in one super high end restaurant in Lima, all the waiters were just oh so concerned about why I wasn't eating my entree!

I try to stay positive in general but this blog is where i can just let it all hang out there. Since we've been back life has just kind of sucked. Alex had a stomach virus when we got back, then i got a bad cold then today, Alex stepped on a manhole cover that wasn't secured and it flipped up and he tripped and fell and we ended up in the emergency room and he has a sprained knee.

On top of all that Alex had a second interview for a great full time gig this week and it was just a bomb. So he's just really unhappy and of course that makes me unhappy.

Otherwise, we really like Austin and I'm in a good place, but things won't really click into place until Alex finds a good job.

I'll share pics from the trip when i have them all ready!

Off to Lima Land

I am so ready to be on vacation already. I like New York, but all week, I've just wanted to get the hell out of here!

One more day and I'm gone. But i'm handing over my computer so I wont have blog access until I'm back from Peru in a little more than a week.

I've been looking at pics of Lima and Arequipa to get psyched up! Here's a little something from Lima above.

Blogland privacy

Catherine has a great post about band-privacy and bloggers. Despite the fact that we blog, many of us don't want others to know about our band. (For me, I've hidden this blog link on my profile, etc).

Catherine points out the importance of maintaining confidentiality if ever discussing a friend of colleague's blog. Very interesting.

http://chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/2010/05/back-in-town-and-blog-etiquette.html

funky

Not in a good way. feeling a smidge bad funky. Last week ended 4 days of veggie extravaganza, 4 pounds down, but on day 5 I caved and that same morning was up 2 pounds. Lame.

In general, I definitely got a lift from the effort however.

I'm in NYC for work this week then directly from here, Alex and I are off to Peru! Yay! Vacation!

I'm hoping to just not gain this week and next and then do weight watchers after that.

I had to pack for both trips (one rolling backpack, SO proud of myself). I definitely felt like I was off on vacation, except I wasn't and had to go to work. Work isn't too tough but it's a week of long meetings.

Not sure why but I'm just a bit off. Lack of interest. I'm fine at work but dont feel like doing anything. Even anything fun. Oh well.

I am looking forward to next week in Peru. Though I miss my pups!

And one more pound down for good measure

There's nothing like losing weight to motivate you to stay on track!

I had a wretched night's sleep with these stitches in my head and on any other day I'd be off for a sugary frappe and pastry, but instead, I got on the scale and was thrilled to see another pound down.

Now, I can guess that the reason this has been so successful is because I was being SO bad before. But since I was so out of control with my eating, this was just the thing I needed to change my
mindset.

Another pound down and a little outpatient surgery

I woke up to find myself another pound down today. Yay!

Otherwise, it hasn't been a fab day. I had a very minor surgical procedure this morning and now I have 8 stitches on my scalp and two very nasty looking scars. And they shaved a wee bit of my hair. This was all to remove two very large cysts. Ew!

They cut me up and sent me home and after having stayed up super late for an important work project I had due this afternoon and getting up relatively early for me for the procedure, I'm pooped. Plus I have no medicine for the post procedure pain. Which is fine, but it is super tender and I have a really wicked headache even after taking a couple of excedrin migraine. Normally just one does the trick.

Alex had driven me to the appointment and back and afterwards, he was like, "you want to drive through and get something? You've been so good and you deserve it since you just had surgery." OH NO! So this morning I said no but after work, with my raging headache, I broke down and had a frappe minus the whipped cream. And a bean burrito. I'm still within my current low daily calories window, but it did kind of blow my whole veggie extravaganza/no sugar/no carbs thing. Depending on what I do for the rest of the day, that will likely put me over a bit.

Bell pepper in a hole

Mmm...had these for breakfast, minus the yolks and without any of the optional bread in the recipe.

I did baby red bell peppers however so they were smaller. The recipe post also suggests doing an cooked ring of onion with the egg inside. That was the BEST. The onion really complimented the egg flavor.

In general, I miss some of the sugar and carbs on my veggie extravaganza, but I *love* what I am able to eat. YUM!

Recipe and photo above from Gina's Recipes. Definitely a favorite website for healthy recipes.

Super Full

Just one more reminder that the band friggin works in terms of making me full! I had half a can of beans with salsa, light sour cream and a smidge of cheese. And wow, I'm full!

I'm fine for now but my head doesn't entirely accept my stomach's conclusion that no more food is necessary!

The great thing about this week's veggie extravaganza (even if it's beans in this case) is that this type of eating allows me to eat so much and still be so low in calorie count!

2 pounds down for cranky pants

Not sure why but I am a TOTAL cranky pants today. Maybe it's the results of yesterdays diet and lack of sugar. It feels more hormonal than that. These are the days when I would normally just EATTTT but not today. I'm sticking with this.

I'm finding the biggest challenge is just that i'm really into my food being instant, grabbable and convenient and veggies dont allow a ton of that. I tried to eat quick carrots yesterday but got stuck so i had to steam them.

All I've had today was a skim half-caf hot coffee. I enjoyed half of it and didn't even want the rest. I don't really want to eat but the problem with that is that come lunch I'll be crazy ravenous so i have to avoid that.

The good news is that I'm 2 pounds down already! I'm sure not entirely from 1 day of dieting but whatever, I'll take it! I think maybe yesterday's 2 pounds up was a fluke, but I'm happy. I'm heading in the direction I wanted which is what this week is all about. A kick start and a break from my total sugar / carb addiction!

Dr. K was right!

Before I left NYC, when I saw Dr. Kurian and told her about our move, she mentioned to me that I might have trouble finding a doctor who would take patients who had already been banded. She said that some bariatric doctors prefer to take on follow up care only for their own patients.

My interpretation was that it just isn't profitable enough for them to handle maintenance.

There are a few lap-band places here in Austin, so I called the one that was recommended to me today to get an appointment for a fill, and I was told about their approval process.

The receptionist explained how the panel of doctors needs to see my paperwork and decide whether or not they'll accept me. She explained that since I haven't had problems since the surgery and since I had the surgery in NYC because I lived there at the time, that they would likely accept me. She added that mostly, they just don't want all the people going to Mexico for surgery (especially here in TX I guess?) ending up as their patients to take care of.

I was a bit shocked that she said that so openly! And in many ways it fits with what Dr. K had warned me about, though I guess I won't have a problem being approved.

She asked my pre-surgery and current weight and then said, oh yes, you really do need some follow up! : (

So now I have to put together my documentation for them and wait to be approved by their committee!

Veggie Extravaganza

Today was day 1 of 5 of my veggie extravaganza. I just needed a major kick start so my rules are all-vegetables plus a very limited amount of skinny proteins and protein shakes. I'm allowing a piece of fruit too as a treat.

I'm trying to stay at around 1000 calories a day so I'm counting calories too.

The twist is that I decided that I'd get into foodie-mode making the vegetable dishes. That's my challenge and what keeps my mind occupied. So today for lunch I made a lima bean, pea, onion and red pepper salad with a little balsamic and salt and pepper. SOO SOO good! I never would have thought of it except that a friend and I had a sample of something similar recently. I switched it up a bit. I'll post a link to the exact recipe on my other blog soon.

For an early dinner, I made a pasta- and oil-free version of this asparagus and mushroom dish with tomatoes, garlic, soy bacon crumbles, and a smidge of parmesan cheese.

I was doing really well until we went to run some errands and went to the grocery store. That really made me want to binge on cookies and sweets. So instead I got a sugar free fudge pop. Didn't totally do the trick and when i got home I found myself eating a little bit of peanut butter. But it's a protein and I kept it in my food count.

I just want to get rid of all the sugar and carbs in my system this week, lose a couple of pounds (this morning the scale was up ANOTHER 2 pounds since yesterday!), and just be in a better mindset. From there, I might start Weight Watchers when we're back from our NYC / Peru trips. Something I'm more likely to be able to maintain from here on out.

My first VLOG

My first VLOG. I meant to do it before the haircut, but oh wells! There was one particular vlogger whose before and after videos were so significant it was as though she wasn't even the same person. Her entire persona changed. Check it out here. I kind of want that in terms of how I carry my weight, etc.

So here's the "before." I'd be happy with even 50 or 55 more pounds down for an "after."

More to come on the veggie extravaganza I have planned this week to get back on track! I'm approaching it as a cooking challenge to make it more interesting. Check back for all my creative veggie meals.

And for those of you who read this post / watch my video, please leave a comment! It felt like a big deal doing a web video and I'd love to hear from you guys!

Being honest with the weight tracker

I mention in my VLOG that the scale is up. So to stay honest, I've finally updated my weight tracker on the right. Overall, I've gained back 15 pounds in the past 6 months. I'm still 25 pounds down however from my highest pre-surgery weight.

I seem to have landed at the same damn weight I always was. It's interesting how we settle in at certain weights. My clothes are tighter and I'm certainly not going up again in clothes sizes, so here's where I check myself and fix this.

UPDATE: Today the scale went up another 2 lbs since yesterday! Hopefully those are temporary be gone tomorrow pounds however...

Before and After HAIR

Sometimes my hair is a reflection of my mental state. Frizzy hair in a pony tail with bad roots = blah blah blah.

So I decided I was in need of a major shake up. I liked the short bob some of you might remember from earlier this year, but this time I wanted more change. Since my last major cut, it had grown out and was just overgrown. Before and after cut above. (Didn't get before and after cut and color! oops!)

So now I have bangs and an asymmetrical bob. Plus a new darker color. The lighter color I had was pretty brassy. I'm loving the new color and all my gray is covered!

Alex snapped this photo below of my brassy color and bad roots when we went strawberry picking. That was just the last straw!

I used to wear my hair like this in high school, so it was a bit of a flash back. The major difference is that my hair is so much thinner than before, especially the bangs, but I'm happy with it for now. It definitely served the purpose I needed it to in terms of change.

Time to Fess Up! I've been a bit out of control

When even Alex is making comments about my eating, I know it's time to suck it up and do something.  Some of it might be working from home too.  I just want to friggin eat ALL THE TIME!  Snack snack snack!

People talk about the band and healthy eating not being "a diet" and all, but for me, I just need rules and restrictions and some discipline otherwise it's an all out feeding frenzy.  All the weight is just creeping back on.  For whatever reason I have ZERO interest in exercise, but I was thinking it would be quite lovely to eat lots of fresh veg and just stick to that cooking and being creative.  I'm also going to give the Wii fit a shot.   

So I've decided to try and kick start myself and lose a few pounds so my clothes fit again(!) I'm going to do a variation of my pre-surgery diet.  Some protein shakes and lots and lots of fresh veg!  We went shopping today and I'm all stocked up.  

Usually once I get a start, that helps in making me want to do more exercise more.

A Better Day

Today was a very interesting day.  After my funky post yesterday, Alex and I had a long talk about our goals and then we watched the movie An Education.  Phenomenal movie by the way.  I think between those three things (and all the support from you guys), I was just thinking about change and what's good in life and that definitely put me in a better more proactive mood.

Working from home today was still a bit of a downer at first, though i was at my desk and in my work clothes once again.  I was a bit on the slow side but productive.

And Alex and I are recording what we eat.  Always a major thing for me in regards to success.  For me, writing down what i eat consistently works!

Alex has been working out a lot and he decided to try no-carb today but tonight he was just going crazy thinking about what he can't have.  Literally a bit crazy.  Have rarely seen him like this.  And that was after he caved a wee bit and had some carbs.

He's big on the no carb approach since it's worked well for him before, but I try and remind him that Weight Watchers worked well for him before too!  And that we can do together. 

I have been really impressed with his workout regimen however.  I think for him, that's pretty key to his weight loss.  And my guess is he needs a fill, but he's not convinced!

I need a new ticker showing weight gained

I checked the scale again this morning and it's three pounds up.  And instead of being in diet mode today, I'm just depressed (I doubt in reaction to the scale), and instead, I just want to eat.

This is that oh so familiar terrain of my "just get through the day" or even the moment food mantra.

[//sound of me chompering on a McDonald's apple pie.]

I'm being a wah wah baby (as Alex likes to say)

Alex's favorite expression is wah wah baby.  Like when I'm complaining or in general unhappy with the world.

So today I'm just in a funk.  No real explanation.  I'm sure working from home isn't helping.  I need to be more disciplined about working at my desk, wearing proper work clothes, etc.

I got up and showered as I do every single day.  I haven't been so bad as to just work from the bed (ha!) but I chose my velour pants and snuggled up on the couch with my laptop all day.  Why this would make a huge difference mentally over working at my desk is crazy.  But it matters.

And I knew that and did it anyway because I was just oh so comfortable on the couch.  Me and comfortable don't always work well together.  I need a little discipline and discomfort in my life it seems!

That's definitely a metaphor for my food and exercise habits too.

Inconsistent band

I know most of you out there have experienced this.  Last night, I wasn't even feeling the band.  I'm starting a new kick cooking and eating healthier at home.  Had my dinner with proteins and veg and was shocked that I wasn't full after.  I kept saying I was "hungry" though that's a relative thing.

But I was a smidge hungry so I had more, and then a little more after that.  I got satisfied though never full.

Now, I'm trying to eat a couple of strawberries and I'm full.  I needed this restriction last night!

As I approach my bandiversary

I need to reflect on my forthcoming bandiversary this summer.  To me, that is the beginning of the liquid diet pre-surgery which was mid-July.

So basically, in 3 months, it will be 1 year since this all began.  And honestly, I'm not at all happy with where I am in this process.  The band works,  but I find lots and lots of ways to sabotage myself.

The truth is that I only lost weight in the first 2 months.  Much of it in the fast before the surgery.  It's true that I've had an obscene amount of change this year, but I'm kind of tired of excuses.  I see only more change coming in terms of wanting to get pregnant and have kids.  So now's the time lady!!

So what will it take for me to feel like I've had some success this year?    A MINIMUM of 50 lbs lost. Really, I expected to have lost 100.  But that's not where it's at for me.  So if I'm going to be real, at least 50 down is where it's at.  That's 20 more pounds in 3 months.

Perhaps I need to get back on that pre-surgery diet where I could eat veg and broth and protein shakes.  All those fresh greens were so wonderful!

Am the only one who keeps eating the same foods even though I get stuck on them?

Speaking of getting stuck (my post on eggs yesterday), am I the only one who just keeps on eating the same foods even though I get stuck (a bit) on them when I eat them?

Mostly, it's breads.  But since I just sit up straight and give it a minute and it usually passes, I haven't given up those foods altogether.

Am I the only one?

I was thinking back on some past comments suggesting that perhaps I wasn't getting more fills because that would mean I couldn't keep eating the foods I wanted to.  I took that comment in the spirit it was intended, as helpful and supportive.  At the time, I don't think that was true.  I was just appropriately full.  However, now, that might just be the case.  I like that I'm "normal" when I go out to eat with people and it's not all that obvious that I'm "different."  I may eat less than others but I don't feel like an outcast or anything!

But the compromise there is that I'm giving up potential weight loss in order to keep eating, bottom line.  Time to challenge myself a bit more!

A commitment to VLOG

I've decided that pre-haircut and the mini-makeover I have planned for myself, I will VLOG.  I'm putting that out there rather than actually do it, so that I'm held accountable.  I want video of my "BEFORE" -- meaning that I have NOT given up on losing more weight!  A little part of me thought maybe I had.

I'm not doing it tonight however, as I'm still suffering from shingles, and just don't want to make all of you gals suffer through that!

I'm thinking next week, when I'm healed up, pre-hair cut, would be the perfect time!

Time to suck it up and find a new Dr here in Texas

I haven't been in a hurry to find a new bariatric center here in Austin since I didn't really feel like I need a fill.  I get stuck often enough which was making me feel like I have enough restriction for the time being.

However, in reading the blogs lately, I'm thinking I could use one given all that I'm able to eat.  Plus, of course, I know the more you go in for support post surgery, the more successful you are.  It might even be worthwhile for me to go to some support meetings.  I'm going to look them up and see how I feel about that! 

I don't remember exactly where I am fill-wise, but I think it could be as high as 8cc's out of 10.  Of course, there's that mysteriously disappearing fill syndrome, so who knows if I'm still that full up!

I have actually asked for and more recently gotten recommendations on Austin lap-band doctors.  So I have a good place to start: the Austin Bariatric Clinic.  Dr. K actually warned me that some surgeons won't want to take on new patients post surgery, but hopefully since this is a whole clinic dedicated to the cause, that won't be a problem. 

Gotta take care of me!

(Whew!  Posted this to the right blog this time!)

OOPS!  Got the recommendation wrong.  Just found the paper from the doctor.  It's actually http://www.southwestbariatric.com/

Oops! Just posted about my BAND on my OTHER blog

So only a select few know about my band, so I had a BIT of a SHOCK when i just accidentally posted about my band on my other blog, a little dabble!

THAT got deleted quick.

That post about a new lap-band doctor here in Austin to come here in a few.

However, I did just do a Dabble post on the new haircut I plan to get.  I was inspired watching the all-day Project Runway marathon since I'm home sick today.  I'm not caught up yet though so I don't know who wins. 

I'm going to need a nice new cut, color (and preferably wardrobe boost) to shake off the ugly blahs from having shingles on my face!

Do you guys get stuck on eggs?

I'm totally into eggs these days.  Great protein, easy, always on hand, not too high in calorie.  However, I get frustrated because I'm always getting stuck on the darn things.

I guess I make them too dry.

Anyone else out there have this problem?  I've never read about this being a problem band food!  

I keep trying to undercook them but when I see them runny I feel the urge to cook them longer and end up making them as I always do.

I also add hot sauce sometimes but this is never enough "sauce" to prevent them from sticking.

Exercise! Walking Town Lake

Even being sick with shingles, hanging around the house too much depresses me (especially since I work from home).  I'm all about getting some sun (more for mental health than anything else), so every day I have to have all the blinds open, and I just have to get outside.

The dermatologist I saw after the doctor actually recommended fresh air and sun for helping to heal, so there's another added benefit.  Plus I just need distractions from the shingles, otherwise I get a bit crazy.

One of the reasons we chose our current apartment is that there's so much green space around us where we can walk the dogs and be out and about.  Pretty much every morning, Alex and I walk the dogs together, but we don't always go over to the lake.  So that's our new plan.  Consistently.  We're already up and out walking the dogs together, so why not make it proper exercise by walking the dogs in a loop around the lake.  The dogs certainly love it.  I need to figure out how to work the gym into my schedule after that, but one thing at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and bail on too much change.

I found a map of the lake above. For a bigger version click here.  We're on the north side of the lake, so for now we start by going across the First St. bridge, then over past the dog park and back up the Lamar bridge and home.  That's a mile and a half.  Not terribly long, but a good start, and manageable time wise in the morning before work.  According to the google pedometer, I burned 277 calories doing it.  And based on the map above, we can add legs to the walk as we progress.

The other change is cooking more at home.  This weekend, I'm going to do a proper grocery shopping trip for all the staples and plan out my meals.  Especially my lunches!

Every step counts.

I have some pics of our walk around the lake from another morning that I'll post later.  It's a good start to the day!

Shingles

I've mentioned any number of times that I eat when I am stressed.  Lots of us do.  Well on this most recent trip to NYC for business, I was super stressed out and actually came back having lost a smidge of weight.  However, the other thing I came back with was Shingles.  Supposedly, at my age, brought on by stress.

The part that of course bothers me is that it's on my face...and my head.  

Lovely!

In my review at work, my boss said to work less.  Problem is that he didn't say what he was going to do to specifically reduce my workload.  

I must admit, the stress from having all this crap on my face is making me want to eat! ; (

I sucked it up and weighed myself

So I've been more active since moving to Texas.  Walk, walk, walk...  I have some pics I need to share of Town Lake.  It's just so pretty outside that I love being out and about.

The counter to that though is that with all this travel and working like a dog and just my very nature, I have been eating out for most meals.  We need to just suck it up and go full on shopping and start cooking again!

I keep telling myself to at least write everything I eat down, even when I go overboard.  But then I get caught up in work and only end up with a half days calories documented.

The other thing I hadn't done was weigh myself.  We packed up the scale in Feb and only just unpacked it recently.  So this morning, I got on the scale.  Up 6 pounds in three months.  Not the right direction.  Surprisingly I'm okay with it, but not sure i should be.  I guess maybe I thought it would be worse.

Time to update the sidebar tickers!  I'll have to give some thought to what I can do to change my attitude mentally.  The band is working in the literal sense but my head is the same as it ever was.

Trip to the Emergency Room!

Hopefully I can share this warning with those of you out there with high blood pressure or loved ones with high bp.

After a lovely morning walking around the lake earlier this week, Alex and I talked about lunch and he said he wasn't hungry.  Then we ran a quick errand, and he was saying he felt nauseous.  Got back to the apartment and he started throwing up.

I just assumed that he had a stomach bug but after about an hour he asked to go to the emergency room.  He said he'd just never felt like that before.  I have to admit when I thought it was a stomach bug, it seemed extreme to go to the hospital, but I'm so glad that we did considering how things turned out!

He's fine now, but it turned out that his blood pressure was up near 200, and that was causing intense headaches and nausea.  Given the headache, they did a cat scan just as a precaution, but he was all clear.

Alex had high blood pressure problems in the past but after the band, it had gone back to normal and our general practitioner had said he could go off his RX. Obviously, without medication, it had gone back up, but he didn't know.

We followed up post-ER visit with our new doctor who gave him a stronger prescription, and his numbers are lower already.  The doctor said to take it easy and be cautious with the walks and exercise but that he can continue walking, etc.moderately.

We also got him an at home blood pressure monitor though it's pretty unreliable in its readings.  Might need to try a wrist one instead.

Bottom line, is that high blood pressure can sneak up on you and you have to take it seriously!  I certainly will from now on!

Hanging out poolside

Today was such a gorgeous day I decided to go for a swim in the late afternoon.  I've been back in Austin since Wednesday and am exploring everything now. I figured that since it had been in the 80s all day, the water would be nice and warm.

Turns out that I was wrong!  It was rather chilly.  Even after getting in and trying to get used to it.

The pool area is just lovely however.  So much so that I even got Alex to hang out there for a while.  I'll definitely be back.

The gym is down next to the pool as well, though I haven't done much more than scope it out.

We were the only ones in the pool area.  There's a pic of me below.  I wasn't all that shy in my swimsuit until Alex reminded me that alllll of the apartments above look down on the pool!  

I LOVE Boston!

I'm at a conference right now in Boston which reminds me a) all the reasons I really do love my job and b) just how awesome the city of Boston is!

I always intended to move back to Boston after I moved away to go teach English in Istanbul.   However, despite all my efforts, life had other things in store for me!

So, here I am this week, 4 or 5 years after my last visit.  10 or so years since I lived here.

Mostly I'm working which has been great, but a couple of times, I've gotten to get out and have dinner or a meal with friends, colleagues and/or customers.

Eating so many fabulous meals out with others really reinforced that despite the fact that sometimes I *think* I can eat a fair amount, really compared to everyone else at every meal I've eaten, my portions are just tiny.  A few people have said, oh will that be enough?  LOVE IT!

And since I'm so busy working and satisfied with hanging out etc, I've turned down lots of opportunities to eat bad things.  Like fancy desserts, chips, etc.  A small amount REALLY does satisfy me.  And for whatever reason, I'm not wanting to snack at all like I was before.  

I do have to take it easy eating and talking.  Make sure everything goes down well of course!

More sight seeing tonight and tomorrow.  Can't wait!

I know I'm fat but...

It's a bit ridiculous that the arms on the desk chair in this hotel room are so narrow that my butt almost gets stuck getting out of the thing!

You might think it would encourage me to lose weight, but instead it just makes me wonder why the chair is so poorly designed!  ; ) 

We're finally, officially in our new apartment!

Yayy!!!  We moved into our new apartment this Saturday.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to stick around long as I'm already away on a business trip in Boston for a week.

Every where i go, there's crappy crappy rain.  Alex just posted this pic of some crazy lightning outside our apartment in Austin.  Here in Boston it's been rainy too.  I'm off to New York after Boston, and guess what the forecast calls for?

I don't have pics of our new apartment yet (it would be all boxes if I did); however, this is the view from our balcony.  (The one from Alex with the lightning and rain).

And I'm pleased to say that the pics I posted previously of our apartment (which were from the model unit) are pretty much identical to the actual apartment.  We had only seen a larger model unit, never the actual thing before we moved in.

The layout, fixtures and all the little details are just the same as our apartment.  Loving the place, but I'll be away for another week before I can enjoy it some more.

So I'm supposed to be working from home...

But really, this is how I spend my time all day!

The first one is me with my two dogs and my mom's dog Charlie.

The second photo is Alex's Vanity Fair-esque shot of the dogs -- both ours and my mom's two dogs (so from left to right, Brit, Charlie, Cali and JJ).

And I suppose I do get some work done on occasion too!

Tomorrow I start working from home

Tomorrow is my first day working from home. Permanently.

I've had lots of thoughts about getting bored or depressed working from home. Or not working enough during the day and then having to work at night to make up the time, or just working all the time.

One thing I haven't really thought about however, or feared, is eating all day being at home. I'm thinking I can't be as bad as I was with that vending machine at work! Assuming I avoid the delivery and fast food trap.

There's the main, HUGE Whole Foods on 6th and Lamar not too far from us, so I'm thinking when I want to go out I can take a wander over there for a fab salad for lunches.

I also just posted something on one of my other blogs about getting an espresso machine to avoid too many Starbucks or morning breakfast outings.

For the time being however, I have two more weeks in Houston before we officially move to our new place in Austin. So I'm kind of between homes for a little while. I'm quite curious to see how two weeks of working in limbo is.

Snacking less but in sugar shock

Overall, I'm finding that I'm snacking a bit less with our new schedule. Snacking is my utter downfall, so this is definitely a good direction to be heading in.

However, I'm in a bit of sugar shock right now as I offered to make cupcakes for my niece's birthday next weekend and tonight was the trial run. I want the icing and decoration to be just perfect, and I was definitely in need of practice.

If anyone is wondering, cupcakes go down just fine. And I'd say I'm at my sweet spot fill-wise right now. I can say that after 2 and a half of them. (They were small and pretty "airy," and I ate them over about an hour or so. I decided just to make that my dinner.

Grocery shopping is a joy again!

I'm on vacation this week and lounged a bit too much yesterday. It was only my second day off but a good reminder that I need to stay active to feel good. Too much sleep and indulgence is a bad thing for me.

So today we got up early, ran a bunch of errands and made our way to the local Kroger. I've mentioned my experiences grocery shopping in New York City previously, and shopping in Houston is just such a drastically different experience. A lovely, wonderful experience!

Yesterday, we actually went to WalMart and that I found a bit depressing and too suburban, but Kroger today was great. The selection, the veggie options, the incredible prices, the wide aisles(!!) and the friendly service.

The best part is that now that we have groceries, I'm no longer stuck in the cycle of fast food eating!

Simple things I know, but we're still living out of suitcases until we move to Austin two weeks from now.

A new life in Texas!

So after many days packing and a three long days of driving, we arrived in Houston early Tuesday evening just in time to have our dogs meet up with my moms two dogs in the park near her place. This was recommended to make sure they all get along okay at Mom's house.

Our new apartment in Austin isn't available until March 20th, so we're crashing with my mom for 2 weeks.

Once we left our apartment in Brooklyn, I felt such a sense of freedom. For at least the three days we were on the road, without an apartment, not having to work or check email or anything, I felt like I had no responsibilities. It was incredibly freeing and fun.

And I love technology because it totally made our drive! We had the GPS on my G1 phone for directions, Alex's music mix on his iphone, a Starbucks GPS finder for anytime i felt like a nice strong coffee. Alex even had an app showing the cheapest gas.

I could really see the difference with Alex and his most recent fill. It definitely helped and he was eating less than me!

Now i just have to figure out my eating in Houston. I'm definitely out of my routine, and for the last two days have been totally vegging out and relaxing.

The weather is completely glorious so I should take the dogs for some long walks. I did one the first day we got here and i can say it ain't easy walking four little dogs at once!!

Tonight, we're off to watch my nephew in a school show. Usually I'm never around for this kind of thing so it should be fun.

One last late night in the office

So I suppose you could say I'm procrastinating on getting the rest of my stuff done since I'm here on my blog posting!

I still need to finish my work projects before my "vacation" / cross country drive. I also have to finish packing up and cleaning my cube and then go home and pack up for the rest of our stuff to ship out tomorrow.

But instead of doing all that I'm here blogging and checking facebook. For a momentary break anyway.

I don't find myself nostalgic about the move at all. Very excited and happy! And busy. I can't wait for the next couple of days to be over and for us to get on the road already.

Anyone want some free Juice Plus Supplements

I have a bunch of unused, unopened SEALED bottles of the powdered Juice Plus supplements that NYU recommends for band and bypass patients. I never ended up taking them, I prefer the chewables, but they are perfectly good and were not cheap.

Consider this the sisterhood of the supplements.

Any takers? I'm moving and I honestly can't bear to toss this out considering what I paid for it!

I'm hoping to get someone who is interested by tomorrow (Thursday) so I can drop it in the mail before we move. U.S. only pleaseeee...

Highs and lows

Feeling a bit worn out. Maybe that's just because it's 10.30 pm, I just got home and now I'm looking around at all the stuff I have to pack. And thinking about an "urgent" work project that was due 2 weeks ago! ack! Three more days to get all our packing done and now i'm starting to stress. It'll get done I feel confident. I'm in a better place than with other moves (thanks to Alex) however, I'm just wondering how late I'll have to stay up to make it all work.

We're selling everything and getting rid of stuff on Craigslist and people are such flakes. They just don't show, so poor Alex is all stressed. After making arrangements with our landlords and everything to get the couch out through their hallway, the guy didn't come. Very lame. The other person didn't come and didn't call too for our entertainment center.

So those are the lows. The highs are that I just feel so great about my job. I'm crazy excited about our move to Austin and all the possibilities. I'm even looking forward to the time off and the cross country drive. And tonight was fun because I got to hang out with my friend Nora. We went to Max Brenner, a fancy chocolate/dessert place here in NYC in Union Square. Incredibly decadent, but I don't feel bad at all because the band only allowed me to eat a fraction of what I ordered.

Yay for the band!

I'm going to motor through the rest of this week and revel in having next week off.

My most recent fill and addictive eating

Those of you who follow this blog know that I struggle with poor eating habits or emotional eating. And really its more than that. There are times when I'm full, and I just keep eating because I'm seeking something more than taste or sustenance from the food. And that's where the band doesn't fix the problem. The mental reasons we eat. I watched something on TV last night about addictive eating and that of course is the heart of it.

You can't go cold turkey, you have to eat something, so it's a challenge. And if I'm honest, I basically just stopped taking responsibility for my eating for a while post band, because I thought, hey, isn't the band supposed to be doing the work, not me?

I had a fill before LA, and it really put me at a sweet spot and that helped a bit to get my head straight. Unless the band loosens a bit, I definitely would not want any more of a fill. I can eat but not too much. I get stuck on occasion but don't really have any problems with PBs etc. I think I'm in a good place.

It's been less than in weeks past, but there still have been occasions where I just want to binge basically. Binge is a relative thing of course. I don't mean shove food in my face as fast and as much as I can. But I do mean getting soda, chips, and candy bar and chowing down.

I tend to want to do this when I get home from work. But what happens if I'm already full, I shouldn't still want to eat that junk. But I do anyway. And in fact, it's hard to talk myself out of it. It's just in my head that it'll make me feel better. And it does, that's the problem.

Alex had a large fill this week, and it did a lot to help limit how much he can eat. It's good for he and I to both be on the same page about meals, etc. So that will hopefully help us both be good influences on the other.

I wonder about this addictive eating thing. I expected all the band blogs to deal with this issue very regularly, but I only see a few bloggers talk about patterns similar to mine.

Curious how many of you out there deal with these same issues and how they affect your weight loss success.

Lap-Band Billboards

I wanted to post this pic from my trip to California last week. We were driving a lot in LA and everywhere we went, I saw these billboards for the Lap-Band surgery. I wasn't really a fan of them though because they made it seem like a quick fix and almost like a cosmetic surgery or a pill you pop.

In fact, I was thinking I definitely would not tell my LA friends and family especially after seeing the way it's promoted there. I'd be afraid people wouldn't take me seriously with it.

Those of us who are banded already struggle with people who think we take the easy way out, and this definitely just makes it worse.

Back from LA

Whew! What a whirlwind life has been lately. So as you know, I'm moving to Austin, and now we're down to the last TWO weeks! Crazy. I FINALLY got to make the big announcement at work today, so I was pretty much gabbing with everyone all day long! When I'd say I was moving to Austin, they all assumed i was leaving the company, but nope! And they were all relieved when I said I wasn't which makes you feel good.

I had a last minute business trip to LA last week which was fab. GORGEOUS weather, especially when compared to all the snow in NYC. Totally missed the whole storm. Yay!

I had less free time than expected, but work-wise it was just excellent. Visited with lots of customers, was really motivated job-wise and had a lot of fun with my coworkers. A great opportunity for professional growth too.

I had been a bit nervous about getting a fill right before the trip given all the business meals etc, but that turned out okay.

It's interesting because for some meals with our managers and one of our authors, I felt like I had to explain why i was eating so little, and then for other meals with my aunt and uncle (who i visited on the last day), I felt like i was eating a lot! I probably ate the same in both situations however.

So much to love about LA including the scenery, all the posh-ness ;), and that FAB weather. However, the crazyyyyy traffic, not so much. And somehow I thought the traffic wouldn't bother me after driving in New York!

Looks like I'll be traveling lots more for this new job. Mostly in and around Texas since they want to take advantage of having me living / working "in the field" but I'll probably be all over the US in general. I'm cool with it, but we'll have to see how Alex reacts. I keep telling him to expect it, so we'll see how it goes!